So I thought 2020 would be THE year.

The year I graduate university, the year I explore more of the world and the year I continue to build the best future I can. But, seems like there's a big question mark above it all. 

2018 brought what I thought were the toughest moments of my life so far, and back then all I could see was a reflection in the mirror of someone who wasn't me, but someone who constantly wore a fake smile and a brave face. 2 years on, and I can see myself fighting to keep that brave face away from the present. 

The whole world is currently facing something that is so unexpected and confusing, it is bringing nothing but panic and worry. And I'll be the first to admit, that I can see myself really struggling to keep that brave face from finding its way back. 

I have always been open and honest on my blog, no matter how embarrassed I feel about putting things out there. I feel like the only way to get through things is to talk about them, and sometimes that doesn't always mean having a conversation; simply just writing this, posting it and leaving it there for anyone who might just see my side a little similar. 

From talking about my disability to my depression, I have never hidden away anything that I think could help someone else, and I think it is important that I do the same again now. 

I am supposed to graduate in Law this year, but because of Coronavirus, I have an uncertain future. I have no idea if I'll ever experience putting on a cap and gown and celebrating finishing 3 years of the hardest work I've ever done. I have no idea if I will meet my entry requirements for my next adventure, because of the disruption. I have no idea if the teaching career I've set my heart and life on will ever be my dream come true. I have no idea if I will experience my final Law ball and be drinking to the memories created by all the amazing friends I have made along the way, I have no idea. 

It is a uncertainty I never thought I would face. 

Me and all the other students in third year now, face all these questions and no one has any answers. Just like there aren't really any answers about anything else at the moment. And that, is something that would bring worry to anyone.

    Whilst this is my situation, also adding onto the fact that job guarantee is something of another uncertainty, I am not the only one whose life feels like it has been flipped upside down a million times over. I think is it something of a pandemic itself. 

My anxiety is deeply affected by change and uncertain situations, never mind all the other factors that trigger it; so this coronavirus is very much my worst nightmare. 

The worst thing is, is that I know I'm not the only one feeling this way. And I suppose that is why I came back here to say hello. 

I can't help but feel like I'm a tiny fish in a great big pond. I feel like I'm constantly watching the news, and watching wealthy people explain that "we'll all be okay" but them forgetting that we all don't have the same lives as them, nor do we have the wealth behind us to support a rapidly changing and scarily unknown lifestyle. No, unfortunately, away from those on the TV screens, there are many people in society who live pay check to pay check and barely have enough money to pay for food. And it is a very unnerving feeling. 

I feel completely overwhelmed in the situation I am in, never mind if it was worse. I suppose that is where I am lucky. 

Then there's the people who seem to disengage from public guidance and restrictions, and believe that because "we're British", we can ignore social distancing ideology and methods. And the ones who ignore the fact that vulnerable people exist and panic buy the whole of a supermarket. It seems to be those people who are making this whole situation a million times worse. 

I understand the worry. I do. I am worried myself, I am worried about my future, worried about where I will be in 5 years and worry how I will pay my bills if the company I work for cannot afford to stay open. But, I worry more about those people who have the virus and have underlying issues, or the ones who are isolated at home alone and petrified. If it means that my holiday is cancelled and the pubs are closed, but it saves a life.. I know 1 wouldn't rest ignoring that. 

I suppose what I am trying to say is that, no matter how scared or anxious this crazy situation is making you feel, we genuinely are all in it together. 

It isn't a time to be selfish. It isn't a time to moan about having to stay at home rather than visit the pub. It isn't a time for forgetting to wash your hands for 20 seconds, it is simply a case of pulling together and getting through the hardest of times we face together. 

I am so grateful to the people who help me everyday face things that are against me at the moment, and I am so grateful to say that I am here, alive and well. 

I know that the future is uncertain and that I have no clear path, but I also know that this will pass and I will find my way soon enough. Just like we all will. 

Its safe to say that the Megs who was here in 2018, is still there but she can get through things easier now and she can cope with battles that she didn't expect. And her she is now. Me. Stronger than back than, facing things with people around me who support and help along the way. You see, we are all a team and we all have different qualities, but they all fit together to make the perfect jigsaw puzzle. 

So I might not know where I'm headed and you might not know either, but just look at what is happening right now and focus on that. Use it to propel you forward into your next step to success. 

I want to take the opportunity to say .... don't be that person who scaremongers people into a state of fear, don't be that person who is afraid to carry on working on their dream. 

This is all temporary and it will get better, I promise. There is always a light at the end of a tunnel, it's just that sometimes, tunnels are longer than what you expect. 

If you read this and take nothing from it, just remember these few things:

> DON'T be selfish and panic buy, it is not necessary and we all need to work together to fight this. 

> DON'T let those with wealth blind you with their mythical idea of living. 

> DON'T ignore guidance that is there to help us all just for a pint, that pint might cost you your life. 

And just do you bit. Wash your hands, stay clean and stay safe. We got this, just hold on in there and don't worry. We are British, yes. And we can get through anything, its what we do. 

I want to use this as a way to say Thankyou to my family, my boyfriend and my friends for being the best support network a gal can get at this tough time, and for helping me swim through this great big pond. I love you all lots and I am doing all I can to work hard and stay on top of all this stress because no one wants 2018 Megs back. 

Thankyou for reading, 

Love Megan x 

Finding a happy place.

Looking back at the fact I started this blog in 2013, being only 14 and having very little experience in anything other than secondary school drama; it's strange to realise that 6 years on, I am still here and suddenly engulfed in a world of knowledge, new ideas and experiences and people I didn't even know existed when this all began.

With this, and the fact that I would say I am a completely different person now, brings to light the idea that maybe all the things that have happened, did in fact - happen for a reason, even though at the time, I was oblivious.

However, I won't sit here and say that everything is wonderful. I told myself after posting a piece called 'pretending' on here,  I would always be open. 

With that being said; trying to keep my head above water at the moment is becoming something I am struggling with. For a while I feel like me and my depression turned a corner and we became a ‘trying hard to BEAT all’ team, but I think that’s kinda.. slipped away a tiny bit. 

I’ve spoken before about my issues on here and I have never been one to shy away from talking about them, but I think recently I became blinded and I didn’t seem to understand that for what I thought had settled, can just come back and creep up when you least expect them too. 

      In hindsight, I have been a little naïve about things and now having had a bad few days I have realised that if I try too hard to pretend everything is okay then it is so easy to go back to square one. 

Although in NO means am I in the same dark place as I was during last year because I think rock bottom had well and truly been hit back then, but I do think I have somehow slipped down a little. But that is okay. 

I recently took some time to think about how things in my life had changed from last year, and although the time is short; it is something of great difference. 

This time last year I was really struggling to get out of bed every day and not cry, or actually drag myself to work and spend 8 hours with a smile on my face. But now that is something of a distant memory. 

The smile on my face now isn’t a fake one and for that, I could not be happier. But I still do have days like today where I just feel.. in one word.. urgh. 

Uni deadlines, exam dates, feeling overwhelmed with lack of body confidence, losing your best friend, but trying to say you’re okay is a very hard thing to do – let me tell you! Helps though when you make amazing new friends and have the best boyf in the entire world hehe thanks you can go cringe now like me... 

I know it’s just a little bump in the road, and I know I will get past it, as slowly or quickly as it takes, but I suppose there is no rush. The best thing at the moment is that I have THE BEST support network around me, and I could not ask for anything better. 

I suppose the reason I wrote this tiny, maybe seemingly pointless and embarrassing post was just to say that I kinda feel a bit lost at the moment and I’m not at my best, but I know I can face things head on and beat whatever comes my way because I have the best people around me and I am stronger now than before, because I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel... even if you can't see it just yet1 

Anyone who is struggling just needs to know that you will be okay. And it is completely and utterly okay to not be okay. 

We got this <3 

Love Megan 

xxx 

2018.

  The hardest year of my life so far. so many things learnt, so many tears cried and so many things to work on to get better. 
It all started, turning 19. Yes my year of first time boozing an boogieing seemed all a mist under dark skies and bangs from the NYE parties around me. 

I remember, me and my friend stumbling into my house, kebab in hand laughing and joking at the nights events and the fact that a new year had begun.  Not a single care in the world. Everything was utterly perfect and I could not wait to start the journey of making memories.
Even waking up with a hangover and my eyelashes muddled in my hair. Everything was perfect.

Unfortunately didn't stay that way. As usual things happen, they change and it somehow meant that everything that was okay - just wasn't okay. 
   Having everything a girl could want, to having nothing was something that I really struggled with. I think I spent some much time being clouded by things that were material, but my glazed outlook told me it wasn't material. It was real. Unfortunately, no material things last forever; and I suppose I learnt this the hard way. 

I think the turning point was that very moment. Everything just flipped onto another side that I was so unfamiliar with and it in a sense, changed how I was and who I am now.You see most people get moulded by the issues they face and the struggles they battles against, but I feel like I have just done the exact opposite. I don't feel like anything has shaped me, or shown me realisation - NO. I think In a way I no longer expect the easier things and I just feel like the entire world is against me. 

When time went on, some glimmer of light did shine through and I began to open my eyes to the fact that things in someways do get easier and you do start to love yourself again, this helped being that I found someone who truly made me see this. And being in the position I was prior, everything became so much brighter. 

The hardest thing, is that this person still struggles to see it in themselves that they are the one who changed my world, and gives me a reason to smile. In time, I work towards making you realise that, making you see how I value you, your being and company. I love you unbelievable amounts and I just want to spend even more moments with you. 

Anyhow.... 

Moving on, and not making this entire post about the love of my life, and the sop of a fulfilled heart, I take the time to reflect on the year of 2018. 

Never did I think at 19, I would face some of the hurdles I have, particularly in the ways at which I have, and in a sense, they have shown me a different way or path of living. 
Having friends surrounding me who are so supportive and caring means the entire world and to this very day not a single one of them has let me down, or never not been there. 
I cannot thank them enough for the help they have given, and the memories they have helped create and share. 
- from pool parties in magalluf, to diving in garden bushes after nights out, they are truly the most wonderful set of people a girl could ask for. 

Then there is my family, and what a unit of support and love they are to me. Without them I doubt I would be sat here writing this now. 

Ive made some difficult decisions and been through some tough times this year but each time I have had nothing but love, and support. 

2019 will be my year to be happy, and to find me again. 

Thankyou to everyone. 
To my family. My parents, My siblings and their partners. 
To my work colleagues and friends. 
To Lucy.
To Georgina.
To Bekah.
To Casey.
To Maisie.
To Joseph <3.  

to you all and everyone else in my life; Thankyou. You are my world and everything. I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

 Happy New year, here's to 2019. 

Megan x x x