The one you love is a million miles away, all your friends are asleep and there's no one close by you can ask for help.
So. Here goes, the most honest post you will probably ever read, because every single emotion is running through my mind at the moment and it is honestly the only way I will feel the slightest bit of happiness. Or so I tell myself.
Look at my instagram, my facebook, my twitter or snapchat and you'd say why the heck is this girl writing something like this? She looks fine to me. Or see me out with friends, or on a night out, on holiday and you'd think the same thing. But I learnt that the art of pretending you were okay was better than sharing all your upset with everyone you knew because who wants to know all that?
Sitting here and establishing that pretty much everything you will see of me isn't the truth is rather a hard pill to swallow but at least you know now. The smile has been perfected to look real and the expressions in body language the same, but see me right now.. there's nothing perfect about that.
I'm tired, but can't sleep. I'm upset but can't cry. It's the same every single night, and has been for about 2 years now. 2 years ago, I was 2 stone heavier than I am now, and I was so happy but yet oblivious to how I looked, not that I even cared to be honest. But then I lost my Grandad and I think in all honesty, it affected me more than I thought at the time, because from them something changed and all the happiness I held within myself was lost and the first thing that took a hit was my weight.
Yes, it was a slow process but now I am much skinner and at times have been too skinny but not even realised. "How did you do it?" people ask all the time, and you want my honest answer? I stopped eating. I became so obsessed with the latest diet crazes, the shakes, 5:2, Raw food, Paleo.. all of them, and in the end I just began to feel like eating was a chore that, frankly I didn't want to do anymore.
Give me a glass of water, a can of Coca-Cola, or a glass of wine and I'll be okay, but food? No thanks.
After this, it was everything else that went down hill. I made the move from school to sixth form and my friends dwindled, as we all moved on to new ventures. I never realised the amount of work I would need to do, and I think that hit me like a tonne of bricks! I worked so hard and the grades didn't show it at all and I began to lose motivation, motivation that I thought I would never lose, and that alone was scary. On top of this all, I lost the closet of connections with my friends and it was so hard to hear things like "no one wants you to come out" or have old friends tell you they don't care. Then there was the battle of being wronged for everything you said, even if it wasn't related to those who questioned it.
'High school gossip' I say now, but that's the past, and I don't think about that so much, because you can't change it, just happens to be something that happened.
I think I lost myself at that point. The end of sixth form I don't even remember and moving to uni was all a blur which to this day still isn't clear.
Despite that Uni started so well I finally thought wooo we're on high!! but then obviously are things really that simple?
I fell in love with the idea of being in love, and it wasn't real. I spent so many nights thinking everything was wonderful and I had no reason to ever worry again, and that I could hold my head up high thinking I was doing so well and there was nothing that could get in my way. But then, I let myself down. My feelings overwhelmed and there was in hindsight so many things I should have done differently but I suppose everything does happen for a reason.
Fast forward a few months, and a whole stage of my life, where I became someone I barely even recognised and here I am today. Currently just wandering, but finally done pretending and more accepting; finally having reason to smile.
I have found my happiness in some ways now, and that situation, thing or person will know what I mean and that I'm addressing it directly that it is the reason I wake up feeling like I can do things now, and the happiness it fills my life with is something I will never be able to say thanks for purely because I will never find the right words.
However,
That aside, it is hard. It is hard to explain to those closest too you why you don't want to move, or why you keep getting upset when frankly you don't really have a specific reason too. And I don't think I will be able to even explain it to myself.
I surround myself with the most amazing people and there are so many things to look forward too, it's just like I worry because I don't think I deserve it and then because I worry, it makes me anxious.
I'm not saying that I walk around every day crying, or wishing I had another path to lead in life, because I most certainly do not. My disability does impact my confidence, my lack of self esteem makes me feel worthless and my anxiety eats away at me, but I refuse to say I will be defeated.
I know a lot of people have depression and anxiety, and it is different in every person, nor am I remotely an expert on the matter, however, being me I feel so much better having this written and out there somewhere just so I know it might help someone or they could help me.
I want to finish by saying despite all this, despite what I have written in this post. I am so happy with how my life is, the people in it and what it is becoming, but sometimes because I want to make everyone proud, anxiety takes over and it makes me feel like I am not happy. But from now on, I don't want to let it rule me, I want to beat it and be the person who stopped crying and laughed her way out.
x x x x
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