12 years is a very long time to have a platform such as a blog page. I started writing when I was 14 years old. I was obsessed with Zoella and the numerous posts she made about makeup trends and “what’s in my hand bag” videos. I loved to write about my yearly favourites and share pictures from my holidays. And I genuinely loved writing and sharing little stories that people may never ever read. 

Then when I got a little older, I shared some bigger life things and in some ways it acted like a good way to get everything that I was thinking about, out of my head. Then one day, I stopped doing it.

That day, was the day when I started to bottle it all up.

Looking back over the last 12 years since starting my page, so much has happened. So much has changed. I think 14 year old Megan wouldn’t quite believe it.

But, I sit here today, at 1.21am struggling to sleep for the 15th night in a row and I think it’s time, for my own mental wellbeing, I reopen the journal that is my blog and I talk about something that has been going on since I last posted on here and something that I need to deal with in 2025.

It’s been almost 8 years since I started taking antidepressants and became engulfed with anxiety. 

Having anxiety is for me, one of the hardest things to explain. Especially when it comes to having health anxiety. 

Imagine, having a headache and instantly thinking it’s a brain tumour. You get a slight mark on your arm and bang, you have skin cancer. You’re suffering from a cold so your lymph nodes enlarged, but you’re convinced it’s Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. You’ve forgotten where you put your keys, oh is that early onset dementia? What’s that spot on your arm? You’ve got a pain in your leg, oh goodness it’s something bad and I’ll be in hospital for ages. Your cough has lingered for a day longer than the doctor advised - do I need to go back? 

Endlessly google search, endless questions and endless patterns of the same behaviour. That is me. 

My brain goes into overdrive and instantly I’m convinced I’ve not got long left. So irrational but yet to my brain, it’s the only rational explanation. The strangest thing is my guilt and awareness of how silly it is to worry so much about the slightest thing. Because I hear myself and think I sound ridiculous, but I just can’t stop.

Two years ago, I went to the doctors 3 times in two days. My own GP, the walk in centre and an 111 out of hours appointment. Why? Because I had a rash from having the flu and was convinced I had leukaemia.

I don’t know where it comes from and I don’t know why it’s there but it truly controls my life all day everyday. It stops me from socialising, from getting up in the morning and it’s something I go through ups and downs with, and something I’ve got to get sorted out.

Almost 4 weeks ago, I had an operation which led to me having to be put under general aesthetic, needing blood thinning tablets and very strong pain killers. Two days after the operation, I coughed up some blood and thought oh, that’s not quite right. I rung the ward.. “oh it’s probably a chest infection, ring your GP for advice”. So, I rung the GP expecting a chest infection to be confirmed and antibiotics to be given. Oh no, suspected blood clot on the lung, go straight to hospital to be seen. 

Upon arrival, I burst into tears, confused and convinced it was the end. Blood tests taken, “oh you have a low white blood cell count, but that’s normal after an operation”. 

Right well that is it then, a blood clot and a low WBC, that just means blood cancer, so it’s done! 

Turns out actually, they had just torn something slightly when pulling out the tube from the general aesthetic and some rest will ease it all and the blood will go and my WBC will rise, so my brain didn’t need to convince me it was over and I didn’t need to feel guilty because of the rational and irrational demon that slumbers in my head. 

Imagine the thoughts in my head after 48 hours post operation. Now, I’m still stuck in the air walker boot, on crutches with a wound that won’t heal properly yet. Even more riddled with anxiety because I can’t move much and have seen every corner of my house a million times.

Not only is my health anxiety something I have struggled with since last posting on here, but also that of a constant worry I am not good enough.

Being the person who is “different” always makes me think that I have to prove myself to be as good as one could be. It always makes me wonder if people just do things and say things because they feel bad.  And in all honesty. I hate it.

It would be so wonderful if there was a way we could switch off our brains to the negative things that overwhelm us and just focus on the positives but I know that’s not how the world rotates.

I’ve tried everything to be better. From CBT to mindfulness and meditation. But one thing always felt missing.

I’m hoping by sharing my story, it will be that missing thing. I’m hoping it will help me get through this and hoping that because it’s now out there, the weight will have been lifted and I can start working on my way to getting out of this anxiety filled black cloud I fell in almost 8 years ago.

So take this as my first entry of 2025 in the journal that is my blog. I know people may not even read this and those that do may laugh and cringe. But I’m not doing it from you, I’m doing it for me and all those other people who struggle and need a space to realise they’re not alone.

Megan x 

2020. The one we can forget.

 I started writing a post in April this year, about how my mental health was dipping because of the Lockdown we were in as a result of the Coronavirus Pandemic; but I never finished it. I never finished it because I felt that I needed to think more positively about the situation and try not to create a post that was filled with upset and misery, simply because we have had enough of that already this year. And I also thought that it would all have faded away as quickly as it came. 

However, here I am, finally saying enough is enough and writing all my feelings out onto a page on a screen so others, who may be feeling the same way; know they aren't alone. 

2020. The year I began with optimism and hope for adventure - only to end it feeling like it's one big nightmare. I have never been one to shy away from my feelings or hide the fact I have depression and anxiety so I won't be shying away from it now either. 

The announcement yesterday hit me like a tonne of bricks, as I am sure it did everyone else. From being told we can see loved ones at Christmas time, to then be told we aren't allowed. It's a concept I can't get my head around. 

Everyone has an opinion on it and I am sure that some will not agree with me. But for me, living in a democratic society; to then be told I am not allowed to see my own family, is simply unfathomable. I cannot understand why these decisions get made with very little time until they are enforced. All the hospitality venues for example, constantly held on tenterhooks wondering if they will ever reopen again. How anyone can think that is okay, it is beyond me. 

I understand that this virus has caused great upset for families who have lost loved ones and have been affected by it directly. I also understand the great need to protect the population and the humans who work alongside us on this earth, but I do not understand why we are seemingly scared to our wits about something that some of us have and don't/won't even know about. I also don't understand why it was okay for hospital treatments for illnesses such as cancer, and life changing operations to be cancelled as if those in need of them were going to be fine? 

The virus isn't the only illness that lives among us, and it isn't the only illness that kills. So why are we constantly in and out of a lockdown system, that in my opinion doesn't work? 

Getting through this year has been insanely tough and for the most part I have been living days feeling numb of my surroundings and just striving to survive mentally. From finishing a Law degree with no help from University, to not seeing a single one of my friends since March, it's all just very difficult to think about. Then there is the fact I have now started teacher training, a job which includes mixing with 30+ people everyday, including young children whose concept of social distancing is not as robust; but yet I still can't go to visit a friend or go for a coffee in a cafe because I would be at risk of mixing with too many households. 

All of it just does not add up to me and I am starting to feel like the risk to mental health is greater than anything it has been before. 

It is important that people know there are lots of us who are feeling alone and anxious right now. And it is also important to know that there is help. 

A service I have used in the past is called SHOUT. you can text 85258 at anytime. It is a free texting service you can use to talk to someone about how you're feeling and how to get through tough times. 

Just hope that people like me, will find some way to smile throughout the next few months. We'll get there eventually. 

                    Love, Megan x 

feeling like a tiny fish, in a great big pond.

So I thought 2020 would be THE year.

The year I graduate university, the year I explore more of the world and the year I continue to build the best future I can. But, seems like there's a big question mark above it all. 

2018 brought what I thought were the toughest moments of my life so far, and back then all I could see was a reflection in the mirror of someone who wasn't me, but someone who constantly wore a fake smile and a brave face. 2 years on, and I can see myself fighting to keep that brave face away from the present. 

The whole world is currently facing something that is so unexpected and confusing, it is bringing nothing but panic and worry. And I'll be the first to admit, that I can see myself really struggling to keep that brave face from finding its way back. 

I have always been open and honest on my blog, no matter how embarrassed I feel about putting things out there. I feel like the only way to get through things is to talk about them, and sometimes that doesn't always mean having a conversation; simply just writing this, posting it and leaving it there for anyone who might just see my side a little similar. 

From talking about my disability to my depression, I have never hidden away anything that I think could help someone else, and I think it is important that I do the same again now. 

I am supposed to graduate in Law this year, but because of Coronavirus, I have an uncertain future. I have no idea if I'll ever experience putting on a cap and gown and celebrating finishing 3 years of the hardest work I've ever done. I have no idea if I will meet my entry requirements for my next adventure, because of the disruption. I have no idea if the teaching career I've set my heart and life on will ever be my dream come true. I have no idea if I will experience my final Law ball and be drinking to the memories created by all the amazing friends I have made along the way, I have no idea. 

It is a uncertainty I never thought I would face. 

Me and all the other students in third year now, face all these questions and no one has any answers. Just like there aren't really any answers about anything else at the moment. And that, is something that would bring worry to anyone.

    Whilst this is my situation, also adding onto the fact that job guarantee is something of another uncertainty, I am not the only one whose life feels like it has been flipped upside down a million times over. I think is it something of a pandemic itself. 

My anxiety is deeply affected by change and uncertain situations, never mind all the other factors that trigger it; so this coronavirus is very much my worst nightmare. 

The worst thing is, is that I know I'm not the only one feeling this way. And I suppose that is why I came back here to say hello. 

I can't help but feel like I'm a tiny fish in a great big pond. I feel like I'm constantly watching the news, and watching wealthy people explain that "we'll all be okay" but them forgetting that we all don't have the same lives as them, nor do we have the wealth behind us to support a rapidly changing and scarily unknown lifestyle. No, unfortunately, away from those on the TV screens, there are many people in society who live pay check to pay check and barely have enough money to pay for food. And it is a very unnerving feeling. 

I feel completely overwhelmed in the situation I am in, never mind if it was worse. I suppose that is where I am lucky. 

Then there's the people who seem to disengage from public guidance and restrictions, and believe that because "we're British", we can ignore social distancing ideology and methods. And the ones who ignore the fact that vulnerable people exist and panic buy the whole of a supermarket. It seems to be those people who are making this whole situation a million times worse. 

I understand the worry. I do. I am worried myself, I am worried about my future, worried about where I will be in 5 years and worry how I will pay my bills if the company I work for cannot afford to stay open. But, I worry more about those people who have the virus and have underlying issues, or the ones who are isolated at home alone and petrified. If it means that my holiday is cancelled and the pubs are closed, but it saves a life.. I know 1 wouldn't rest ignoring that. 

I suppose what I am trying to say is that, no matter how scared or anxious this crazy situation is making you feel, we genuinely are all in it together. 

It isn't a time to be selfish. It isn't a time to moan about having to stay at home rather than visit the pub. It isn't a time for forgetting to wash your hands for 20 seconds, it is simply a case of pulling together and getting through the hardest of times we face together. 

I am so grateful to the people who help me everyday face things that are against me at the moment, and I am so grateful to say that I am here, alive and well. 

I know that the future is uncertain and that I have no clear path, but I also know that this will pass and I will find my way soon enough. Just like we all will. 

Its safe to say that the Megs who was here in 2018, is still there but she can get through things easier now and she can cope with battles that she didn't expect. And her she is now. Me. Stronger than back than, facing things with people around me who support and help along the way. You see, we are all a team and we all have different qualities, but they all fit together to make the perfect jigsaw puzzle. 

So I might not know where I'm headed and you might not know either, but just look at what is happening right now and focus on that. Use it to propel you forward into your next step to success. 

I want to take the opportunity to say .... don't be that person who scaremongers people into a state of fear, don't be that person who is afraid to carry on working on their dream. 

This is all temporary and it will get better, I promise. There is always a light at the end of a tunnel, it's just that sometimes, tunnels are longer than what you expect. 

If you read this and take nothing from it, just remember these few things:

> DON'T be selfish and panic buy, it is not necessary and we all need to work together to fight this. 

> DON'T let those with wealth blind you with their mythical idea of living. 

> DON'T ignore guidance that is there to help us all just for a pint, that pint might cost you your life. 

And just do you bit. Wash your hands, stay clean and stay safe. We got this, just hold on in there and don't worry. We are British, yes. And we can get through anything, its what we do. 

I want to use this as a way to say Thankyou to my family, my boyfriend and my friends for being the best support network a gal can get at this tough time, and for helping me swim through this great big pond. I love you all lots and I am doing all I can to work hard and stay on top of all this stress because no one wants 2018 Megs back. 

Thankyou for reading, 

Love Megan x