I started writing a post in April this year, about how my mental health was dipping because of the Lockdown we were in as a result of the Coronavirus Pandemic; but I never finished it. I never finished it because I felt that I needed to think more positively about the situation and try not to create a post that was filled with upset and misery, simply because we have had enough of that already this year. And I also thought that it would all have faded away as quickly as it came.
However, here I am, finally saying enough is enough and writing all my feelings out onto a page on a screen so others, who may be feeling the same way; know they aren't alone.
2020. The year I began with optimism and hope for adventure - only to end it feeling like it's one big nightmare. I have never been one to shy away from my feelings or hide the fact I have depression and anxiety so I won't be shying away from it now either.
The announcement yesterday hit me like a tonne of bricks, as I am sure it did everyone else. From being told we can see loved ones at Christmas time, to then be told we aren't allowed. It's a concept I can't get my head around.
Everyone has an opinion on it and I am sure that some will not agree with me. But for me, living in a democratic society; to then be told I am not allowed to see my own family, is simply unfathomable. I cannot understand why these decisions get made with very little time until they are enforced. All the hospitality venues for example, constantly held on tenterhooks wondering if they will ever reopen again. How anyone can think that is okay, it is beyond me.
I understand that this virus has caused great upset for families who have lost loved ones and have been affected by it directly. I also understand the great need to protect the population and the humans who work alongside us on this earth, but I do not understand why we are seemingly scared to our wits about something that some of us have and don't/won't even know about. I also don't understand why it was okay for hospital treatments for illnesses such as cancer, and life changing operations to be cancelled as if those in need of them were going to be fine?
The virus isn't the only illness that lives among us, and it isn't the only illness that kills. So why are we constantly in and out of a lockdown system, that in my opinion doesn't work?
Getting through this year has been insanely tough and for the most part I have been living days feeling numb of my surroundings and just striving to survive mentally. From finishing a Law degree with no help from University, to not seeing a single one of my friends since March, it's all just very difficult to think about. Then there is the fact I have now started teacher training, a job which includes mixing with 30+ people everyday, including young children whose concept of social distancing is not as robust; but yet I still can't go to visit a friend or go for a coffee in a cafe because I would be at risk of mixing with too many households.
All of it just does not add up to me and I am starting to feel like the risk to mental health is greater than anything it has been before.
It is important that people know there are lots of us who are feeling alone and anxious right now. And it is also important to know that there is help.
A service I have used in the past is called SHOUT. you can text 85258 at anytime. It is a free texting service you can use to talk to someone about how you're feeling and how to get through tough times.
Just hope that people like me, will find some way to smile throughout the next few months. We'll get there eventually.
Love, Megan x
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