The hardest year of my life so far. so many things learnt, so many tears cried and so many things to work on to get better. 
It all started, turning 19. Yes my year of first time boozing an boogieing seemed all a mist under dark skies and bangs from the NYE parties around me. 

I remember, me and my friend stumbling into my house, kebab in hand laughing and joking at the nights events and the fact that a new year had begun.  Not a single care in the world. Everything was utterly perfect and I could not wait to start the journey of making memories.
Even waking up with a hangover and my eyelashes muddled in my hair. Everything was perfect.

Unfortunately didn't stay that way. As usual things happen, they change and it somehow meant that everything that was okay - just wasn't okay. 
   Having everything a girl could want, to having nothing was something that I really struggled with. I think I spent some much time being clouded by things that were material, but my glazed outlook told me it wasn't material. It was real. Unfortunately, no material things last forever; and I suppose I learnt this the hard way. 

I think the turning point was that very moment. Everything just flipped onto another side that I was so unfamiliar with and it in a sense, changed how I was and who I am now.You see most people get moulded by the issues they face and the struggles they battles against, but I feel like I have just done the exact opposite. I don't feel like anything has shaped me, or shown me realisation - NO. I think In a way I no longer expect the easier things and I just feel like the entire world is against me. 

When time went on, some glimmer of light did shine through and I began to open my eyes to the fact that things in someways do get easier and you do start to love yourself again, this helped being that I found someone who truly made me see this. And being in the position I was prior, everything became so much brighter. 

The hardest thing, is that this person still struggles to see it in themselves that they are the one who changed my world, and gives me a reason to smile. In time, I work towards making you realise that, making you see how I value you, your being and company. I love you unbelievable amounts and I just want to spend even more moments with you. 

Anyhow.... 

Moving on, and not making this entire post about the love of my life, and the sop of a fulfilled heart, I take the time to reflect on the year of 2018. 

Never did I think at 19, I would face some of the hurdles I have, particularly in the ways at which I have, and in a sense, they have shown me a different way or path of living. 
Having friends surrounding me who are so supportive and caring means the entire world and to this very day not a single one of them has let me down, or never not been there. 
I cannot thank them enough for the help they have given, and the memories they have helped create and share. 
- from pool parties in magalluf, to diving in garden bushes after nights out, they are truly the most wonderful set of people a girl could ask for. 

Then there is my family, and what a unit of support and love they are to me. Without them I doubt I would be sat here writing this now. 

Ive made some difficult decisions and been through some tough times this year but each time I have had nothing but love, and support. 

2019 will be my year to be happy, and to find me again. 

Thankyou to everyone. 
To my family. My parents, My siblings and their partners. 
To my work colleagues and friends. 
To Lucy.
To Georgina.
To Bekah.
To Casey.
To Maisie.
To Joseph <3.  

to you all and everyone else in my life; Thankyou. You are my world and everything. I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

 Happy New year, here's to 2019. 

Megan x x x

#W o r l d MENTAL HEALTH d a y.

It's like glitter. You can brush it all away, so it looks clean and tidy, but, when you least expect it; glimmer of a spec finds its way back into view and then everything you brushed away, seems to come flooding back.

That's my way of thinking about it. My way of coping. My life.

As I sit here today and type away, I am okay. Not brilliant but, OK.
You see, to me thats a big deal. For ages it seemed like something had a hold on me and I couldn't escape feeling like I was alone in my own thoughts and didn't have a way to get them out. Even being surrounded by friends, and the best family one could ask for, it still felt like the billions of people on the planet around me did even notice me.

Depression.

A word that in recent times has been stigmatised. Becoming almost an invisible matter, overwhelmed with the constant reminder that "its not hard to be happy", "just cheer up".
And frankly, I think we all wish that was the case.

"I suppose, the best way to describe it is feeling hopeless, like you can't help someone or I can't change how I feel, or change anything"

"I just don't know who to turn too"

"Misunderstood, and I have no idea what to do"

"Lost.  In a bright world, I see no light"

"I just feel low"

I haven't been in a state of mind like this for a while. But since the events of my life have seemed to take a dip, down low into the depths of doom and gloom since around July time, I won't deny that it has been a struggle.

I remember prior to this year, I was happy. Didn't have any particular worries or feelings of anxiety and sadness. But as each day went on and month past it became clear that its okay to not be okay, and in some cases, it's just natural.

Not everything in life is rosy.  Trust me, I know that.. I mean I was born a Official Blue Badge holder.
And the more that I go through, the more I understand that factor. It is hard to go through things when  you have no idea how too, or where to find the help - staying hidden under blankets, duvets and God knows what else seems like the only possible answer.
 It is hard to explain to those closest too you why you don't want to move, or why you keep getting upset when frankly you don't really have a specific reason too. And I don't think I will be able to even explain it to myself.

It's days like this, when it becomes known by all, that I just think, why just the one day?
Yes, raising awareness for mental illness is the BEST thing ever to do, but why just hashtag a day for it?
It's a constant battle. Yourself vs Yourself. The mind is a tricky place, and when you find yourself in it, trapped.. its like there is no way out.

Not only does depression impact you, but those around you. I mean, who wants to see their best friend hide away, feeling low and lost?
Sometimes there isn't much you can do, but surely just by being there as a shoulder to cry on will make the person who is struggling understand they aren't alone.

Thats all is needed. A shoulder to cry on, someone to catch you when you have those little falls. A friend.

Sometimes it feels like you have no way out and the only way is to escape. And it is such an overwhelming sense to have that it is hard to not act upon, so what do you do?

For me, I've always felt like everyone else matters, and I need to make sure they are Ok before I check on myself. And in reality, how can I do that if myself is struggling?
It worries me, eats away at me that I put my troubles on others and don't choose to talk about them face to face, instead I think ive bottled them up and kept them weighing down my shoulders for years and one day I just cracked.

And you know what. That is okay.

I struggle to sleep, to drift off, to wake up, to get ready and do things in the day sometimes.
And you know what. That is okay.

I miss someone CONSTANTLY - I think about them all the time and just don't know how I can cope without them.
And you know what. That is okay.

I wanna lock myself away and not speak to anyone.
And that is also okay.

Not everyday is a bad day, and not everyday is a good day. Not everyday do you have to pretend you're okay, or that you feel like you wanna be happier than you were the day before.

Because it is OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY.

It is just YOU. You are the only one who can tell you how to feel, or what to do. Embrace you and do not hide away thinking you're the only one who I struggling because I promise, you aren't.

I will always be there for anyone, even if I'm having a bad day, I would never turn away a person in need.

Together we can help each other. No one has to be alone. No one should be alone. We ALL matter, and we ALL deserve to LIVE. so lets LIVE.

#W O R L D MENTAL HEALTH D A Y. 

Love Megan 

x x x

I promise, everything will be okay.

Loving someone means that you care for them, you think about them and always want them to be happy; always being there for them.
However, as much as you may truly love that person, or how much you think, feel and care for them, it is sometimes that the feelings aren't the same, or they change because something happens.
Now, the only thing left for you is to pick up your broken pieces and slowly, at your own pace get back on track.

Recently, I've let go of something so so so important and frankly, it was the hardest thing to do, but it most definitely is the only thing I can do to try and get on with things.


"Tomorrow is a new day".

The phrase I tell myself most days, and I suppose to a certain extent, it is true; but yet sometimes it still feels like I'm in a rut, stuck in a cycle of being down and dulled by the world and its darkest of demons.

I think as time has gone on this year I've established a few things I never thought I would have to contemplate. And to be completely honest, it has been so hard. I went from being unbelievably happy, to nothing and repeating over and over with the same bad luck and urghiness.
 What I failed to understand was that it wasn't my fault. In fact, it wasn't anyones in particular, just what happens to be life.

You see, one minute you can be on top of the world with all the happiness created,  and then the next, that happiness disappears and you find yourself back to square one.
The scariest thing is that you feel so alone and like you're the only one who is going through it all and everything is on top of you and no one understands etc, etc.. but you aren't at all.
You can feel like that, but I assure you, everything and everyone around you is there to help.

I have spent weeks trying to figure things out, things that I had no idea about, or where to begin. There's been things I had no control over, and those with some control. And most of the time, these things.. be it sometimes that they are broken, aren't worth stressing out about, what is meant to be, will be.

Lots of things happen, and they happen so quickly you kinda have to let them. And yes, some people handle such changes brilliantly, whereas others, others can struggle and I am not ashamed to say I am one of those people.
It is hard and I am trying, kinda just need help.

I am the type of person who has so much emotion, and I put it into anything that means something to me; helpful, yet the worst thing ever.. leading to so much heartbreak and upset at times. But I wouldn't be the same without that trait. It is just hard to deal with I suppose.



In light of all this, I wanted to reach out to anyone feeling the same, whether it be because you're moving away for uni, you've left a relationship, or simply because a change is happening and it's all just bit of a struggle.

A good friend once said to me that no matter where you are, if you just look up into the night sky and choose a star, concentrate on that one star for a few moments, watching it twinkle in the darkness, then look around it and realise all the stars are together in the darkness, guiding along the same path.
 So no matter where you are, or what pressure that's on your shoulders is; alongside the upset you might feel, there's so many others willing to help you, it's just down to you to let them in and help.

I will ALWAYS be there for anyone who needs help, even though a struggle and I still am now, I will never close a door to anyone, and it just takes a smile to help someone know they aren't alone.




                      "OWNING YOUR STORY IS THE BRAVEST THING YOU CAN DO"
                                                                                 
                                                                                                       - Brene Brown.


                                                                         Love Megan
                                                                             x x x x

pretending.

Thursday 28th June, 2018. 1am. Awake, tears in eyes and have no idea what to do.
The one you love is a million miles away, all your friends are asleep and there's no one close by you can ask for help.

So. Here goes, the most honest post you will probably ever read, because every single emotion is running through my mind at the moment and it is honestly the only way I will feel the slightest bit of happiness. Or so I tell myself.

Look at my instagram, my facebook, my twitter or snapchat and you'd say why the heck is this girl writing something like this? She looks fine to me. Or see me out with friends, or on a night out, on holiday and you'd think the same thing. But I learnt that the art of pretending you were okay was better than sharing all your upset with everyone you knew because who wants to know all that?
  Sitting here and establishing that pretty much everything you will see of me isn't the truth is rather a hard pill to swallow but at least you know now. The smile has been perfected to look real and the expressions in body language the same, but see me right now.. there's nothing perfect about that.

I'm tired, but can't sleep. I'm upset but can't cry. It's the same every single night, and has been for about 2 years now. 2 years ago, I was 2 stone heavier than I am now, and I was so happy but yet oblivious to how I looked, not that I even cared to be honest. But then I lost my Grandad and I think in all honesty, it affected me more than I thought at the time, because from them something changed and all the happiness I held within myself was lost and the first thing that took a hit was my weight.
Yes, it was a slow process but now I am much skinner and at times have been too skinny but not even realised. "How did you do it?" people ask all the time, and you want my honest answer? I stopped eating. I became so obsessed with the latest diet crazes, the shakes, 5:2, Raw food, Paleo.. all of them, and in the end I just began to feel like eating was a chore that, frankly I didn't want to do anymore.
Give me a glass of water, a can of Coca-Cola, or a glass of wine and I'll be okay, but food? No thanks.

After this, it was everything else that went down hill. I made the move from school to sixth form and my friends dwindled, as we all moved on to new ventures. I never realised the amount of work I would need to do, and I think that hit me like a tonne of bricks! I worked so hard and the grades didn't show it at all and I began to lose motivation, motivation that I thought I would never lose, and that alone was scary. On top of this all, I lost the closet of connections with my friends and it was so hard to hear things like "no one wants you to come out" or have old friends tell you they don't care. Then there was the battle of being wronged for everything you said, even if it wasn't related to those who questioned it.
'High school gossip' I say now, but that's the past, and I don't think about that so much, because you can't change it, just happens to be something that happened.

I think I lost myself at that point. The end of sixth form I don't even remember and moving to uni was all a blur which to this day still isn't clear.

Despite that Uni started so well I finally thought wooo we're on high!! but then obviously are things really that simple?
I fell in love with the idea of being in love, and it wasn't real. I spent so many nights thinking everything was wonderful and I had no reason to ever worry again, and that I could hold my head up high thinking I was doing so well and there was nothing that could get in my way. But then, I let myself down. My feelings overwhelmed and there was in hindsight so many things I should have done differently but I suppose everything does happen for a reason.

Fast forward a few months, and a whole stage of my life, where I became someone I barely even recognised and here I am today. Currently just wandering, but finally done pretending and more accepting; finally having reason to smile.

I have found my happiness in some ways now, and that situation, thing or person will know what I mean and that I'm addressing it directly that it is the reason I wake up feeling like I can do things now, and the happiness it fills my life with is something I will never be able to say thanks for purely because I will never find the right words.
However,

That aside, it is hard. It is hard to explain to those closest too you why you don't want to move, or why you keep getting upset when frankly you don't really have a specific reason too. And I don't think I will be able to even explain it to myself.
I surround myself with the most amazing people and there are so many things to look forward too, it's just like I worry because I don't think I deserve it and then because I worry, it makes me anxious.

I'm not saying that I walk around every day crying, or wishing I had another path to lead in life, because I most certainly do not. My disability does impact my confidence, my lack of self esteem makes me feel worthless and my anxiety eats away at me, but I refuse to say I will be defeated.

I know a lot of people have depression and anxiety, and it is different in every person, nor am I remotely an expert on the matter, however, being me I feel so much better having this written and out there somewhere just so I know it might help someone or they could help me.

I want to finish by saying despite all this, despite what I have written in this post. I am so happy with how my life is, the people in it and what it is becoming, but sometimes because I want to make everyone proud, anxiety takes over and it makes me feel like I am not happy. But from now on, I don't want to let it rule me, I want to beat it and be the person who stopped crying and laughed her way out.

 x x x x

Ciao Bella - A weekend in Milan.

For my sister's 21st birthday back in January, I gave myself the task of getting her a present to remember. So.. Milan was the answer.

Yes, I paid for a 3 night stay in the glorious Milan, and a visit to see Mr Sam Smith on his 'Thrill of it all' tour whilst we were over there. And what an idea it was.

Usually my ideas aren't the best at all, but even I exceeded my expectations on this one. Who knows, maybe we have turned a corner? Anyhow, I thought I would let you see some of the things we got up too and show you some of the wonderful sights and places we saw and visited.

Mr Sam Smith. What a dream.
The night started all gloomy in the rain, and being stuck in so much traffic all the way to the arena.. but with moments to spare we made it. Firstly, having trouble finding where we were supposed to go, you know.. being that Italian really isn't my strong point.
  Anyhow, we made it. And what a night we had.

The guys vocals are amazing and each note covered me with goosebumps. Honestly, I have never seen anything like it. Worth every air mile, the early morning and the one hour time difference. A memory I will never forget.

Being a city, it was soooo busy! the easiest way to get around was by one of those 'hop on, hop off' buses and to be fair, it was a very good idea! We took a few different routes and saw lots of the beautiful city.  If you visit yourself, it's definitely worth checking out.


Here are a few snaps of the beautiful city.

                Love Megan x x 

it will be okay.

Sometimes, we work towards things and for one reason or another they don't work out how we planned or how we wanted them to be. And yes, it is upsetting, unnerving and more than likely knocks you back a far bit.

 

But.

 

It's okay.

 

Today's world is filled with drama around every single corner, mostly trivial stuff like the latest celebrity break up or the latest album release causing issues in some far away country. But some of it is pretty hard hitting; like the attacks around the world, or the latest health risk epidemic. With all these daily issues surrounding everyone these days, it seems that the important things in our own lives get put to one side, displaced and disregarded from our attention. A factor that 2018 still deals with. 

 

Being my age, and within my generation it's abit tricky. 

The highlights of the good old days when you spent all afternoon out with your friends, having no care in the world for anything expect making sure you lived life to the full. To when you spent ages watching people older on platforms like you tube gathering so many followers and aspired to become them. To now. Balancing coursework deadlines, exam revision and conforming to the social media standard of living - as well as juggling a part time job and still having no time to re live those happier days. Many before us had it easier I'd say, but that simply doesn't matter.

What I mean is without realising all we seem to do is conform, mirror and follow. And it's the reason we're so oblivious.

 

The last 5 months for me, have most definitely not been the easiest. But I'm still here so arguably, we're all good haha! But in all seriousness, things all just became too much and the  feeling of letting people down slowly began to eat away at me. It was almost like I just felt like I fitted in no where, no matter what I did or how had I tried, I simply felt like nothing slotted together anymore. 

Uni seemed to become less of an interest, my health dipped and I just felt trapped. I'm unsure if you can tell from my previous posts but I'm a girl deeply in touch with  the emotional side, and because I always strive to do the best I can, I became overwhelmed by a nonexistent pressure inside my mind and got lost.

 

I did what everyone does, and hid it because.. why share? 

I think what made me write this was the fact I finally felt like my 'lightbulb' moment had happened. At long last I feel content, and it's a big deal to be honest. It's a big deal because for so long I've looked through every single situation in rose tinted glasses, expecting everything to be the best it ever could be, only to let myself fizzle into pity and no self worth because it isn't all rosy. But it's fine - and very humanly to not do that. To expect little knocks and big bumps along the way,  is the only way you will find yourself. 

 

I have the most amazing friends and family, its unbelievable and I cannot thank them enough for everything. Understanding is key and it's a difficult to get sometimes but all those around me are another level lovely.

 

I think what I've realised over the last few weeks is that trying to be the person you see on the phone screen isn't you. You'll never be that. You are you and that's all you can ever be. It doesn't matter what size you are, what shade your skin is or what hair colour it is you have. Nor does it matter what team you support, what uni degree you study or what your favourite song is. Being you, and the best version of that is the most important.

 

Don't follow. Break boundaries.

Don't shy away. Stand proud.

Don't bottle it. Share it.

 

Don't be me. Don't dwindle yourself down to feeling awful after whatever it is you have arranged to be doing.

 

Ironic maybe coming from me but you only have the one life, so go LIVE IT!!! 

It's self confidence for us, because we have little we have to beat the barrier.

 

If I leave you with nothing else. Please remember you're all beautiful and go do you! 

 

 

Pinterest.

Love Megan x x x